PM Counseling: Getting Out What you Put In
Is Your Relationship Balanced and Fair?
I’ve asked a number of my premarital counseling couples this week, “Are you getting out of the relationship, what you put into the relationship?” In the ROLES in the MARRIAGE conversation, we take a deeper dive into the specifics of what each partner does - and look at the time and energy of certain tasks. As we discuss both physical and emotional chores, the idea of EQUALITY usually comes up. While I’m constantly “on-boarding” new couples, I love when couples choose to focus on the same topic in the same week. It’s a great way to be able to compare and contrast, as well as get different perspectives.
So I had 3 couples this week discussing their roles in the marriage. When I asked each of them if they were getting out what they were putting in to the relationship, I heard 3 very different responses.
Couple A: “Yes, I definitely get out what I put in.”
Couple B: “Actually, I think I get more than what I put in.”
Couple C: “Well no, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m happy to make my partner happy.
The first follow up question is always “Is Your Relationship Balanced and Fair?” Once we see what each of the pair brings to the table and does for the relationship, it’s easy to see if there’s equilibrium. The second follow-up question is DOES IT REALLY MATTER? (I know not the follow up question, you expected!)
Does Equality Matter?
For a long time, I was part of camp - Yes, it DOES matter. And then one of my couples introduced me to the book The 80/80 Marriage by Kaley Klemp and Nate Klemp. They talk about the history of equality in marriages and the fact that trying to make things 50/50 forces the pair to keep score. Nate and Kaley Klemp suggest that we all GIVE MORE and do so by offering RADICAL GENEROSITY. How about if we give without the expectation of getting something in return? How about if we give because it’s good for our partners? And good for the relationship?
What does Radical Generosity Look Like?
“Instead of thinking of the half hour I spent picking up the house as, “my turn” or as “unfair domestic labor,” I started thinking of it as “a gift” to the relationship.
First, the change happened in me. This shift in mindset started to unwind some of my own resentment. I noticed that when I had contributed to our marriage from a mindset of trying to keep score and make everything fair, I was the one who suffered. I was the one left feeling irritated, angry, and constantly offended.
When I was able to shift to this mindset of radical generosity, however, my inner experience changed. I felt less stress. I felt less anxiety. And I felt less bitterness toward my husband.
The change in me created the most paradoxical and unexpected change. It changed my husband.
As my resentment melted, my husband became more engaged and more motivated to pitch in around the house. My radical generosity turned out to be contagious. It opened the space for my husband to drop some of his own frustration and become more generous.”
Do you think your relationship is balanced and fair? Does it matter to you? Do you tend to keep score? How do you see Radical Generosity fitting in your life? The comment section always open to share and question.