GUEST POST: The Raw Scoop on Sex and Intimacy

As I prepped for this week, I knew that I had to reach out to my friend and colleague, Annette Gates. She was kind enough to offer some great exercises for me to share with my couples during the Sex and Intimacy session of counseling. And I knew she had some great writings of her own ready and willing to share. I cannot thank her enough for her generosity and expertise. To learn more about her and her practice, please visit: www.annettegates.com.

The Raw Scoop on Sex and Intimacy​

Most people have difficulty talking about sex and intimacy within a relationship.  Risking rejection feels uncomfortable, especially from someone you love and have built a life with.  Use of our sexual energy can be telling of how we deal with this risk.  Do we have sex to increase or avoid intimacy?  The early 'Eros' phase of a relationship often drives the sexual intimacy process. Getting to know a new partner intimately is the mysterious fuel for sexual excitement.  This fuel must continue to be cultivated as the love grows and deepens. However, we allow ourselves to stay comfortable within knowing each other (or thinking we know each other), avoiding conflict and full expression of new thoughts and feelings.

A sexless marriage is a way of holding sexual energy to avoid intimacy.  A couple that starts out with a good sex life early on can develop a great companionship that avoids conflict and often less sex.  Why? Because risking rejection for deeper intimacy often breeds better sex!  Better sex means opening up to a partner and sharing intimate parts of yourself == dreams, hopes, visions, and fantasies.  ​Often sexual self-confidence decreases as major life stressors, such as death of a loved one, work pressures, and parenting take a toll on an individual's ability to cope and cultivate vulnerably with a partner. Sexual performance anxiety can result as a physical side effect of these stressors. It's the body's way of saying ENOUGH!  Meanwhile, our sexual energy is brewing the whole time under the surface. This sexual energy represents our longing for more joy, passion, and happiness in life. Want better sex?  Stop blaming and share your truth. Risk rejection. Practice loving communication in a space that feels safe for both partners. Remember that sarcasm is usually covering up vulnerability and deeper feelings that need expression.

Get raw, get vulnerable, share yourself with your partner.  Practice this sexual intimacy exercise:

Don’t prepare for this, think about it, just do it... In fact, do it after a long day when you’re tired, or not planning to do it.

SEXUAL INTIMACY EXERCISE:

One person at a time, no interruptions.  Exercise is for the speaker’s process; listener is just present and nonjudgmental.

-Describe your body starting at top of head to bottom of feet. Don’t skip parts to avoid sharing insecurities about it. Describe what you like/don’t like about your body.

-How large are your breasts/penis?

-How many sexual partners have you had?

-Do you masturbate? What do you fantasize about?

-What turns you on, sexually?

-What turns you off?

The listener tells thing(s) they like best about your body.  The speaker can only say thank you.

Switch roles.

Annette Gates has dedicated her life to growth and transformation through relationship and her own natural sexuality. She has over 17 years of training and experience in coaching, sexology, and healing. As a certified sexologist from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a Brennan Healing Science Practitioner from the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, Annette brings her depth of presence, powerful intentionality, and authenticity to her private sessions and group events. She paves a shame free, safe path home to natural sexuality, using her own cutting edge technique. Natural Sexual Reprogramming (NSR)™, which re-patterns limiting images and beliefs about sexuality, orgasm and arousal to heal sexual dysfunction. She also created Being Breath Yoga™ to teach others how the simple practice of breath; integrates body, mind and spirit for full utilization of sexual life force energy.