Building Stronger Relationships: SEX & INTIMACY

It should not be a surprise that sex and intimacy are on the Big Issues list in a relationship or marriage. Similarly to money, we don't tend to talk about sex openly and honestly. There are also a number of labels that show the extremes in our actions - slut, easy, gigolo, prude, etc - and none of them are pretty. Sex education in the US leaves much to be desired. While some get information from their parents or older siblings, many get schooled by their friends and quite a few pass on incorrect information. We then bring that into our relationships.  

The thing with sex is that we are extremely vulnerable. With our clothes off, there is nowhere to hide. Except there is. And that is in a place of non-communication.I am proud to say that most of the couples I've worked with are not afraid to talk about sex with each other. I usually wait until the 3rd or 4th session so they are comfortable with me. Then I encourage them to share expectations and desires and ask questions. Discussions arise from the questions below - and if there is hesitation or reticence here, I urge you to sit with your partner, fully clothed, and ask:

1. Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes? If not, why not? If so, what are they?

2. What are your expectations of our sexual relationship? This can certainly involve frequency, equality and location.

3. How about your levels of desire? How do you cope when our desire levels are unmatched?

4. Are you comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? Does your partner feel your love for him or her during sex?

5. Do you have any sexual fantasies? Anything you may want to try with your partner?

There are also plenty of couples who build intimacy without sex. For those of you who have not worked with Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it. He explains that there are 5 ways people tend to feel and express love. Physical touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation. He offers a simple quiz to find out what your Love Language is. Therefore if you and your partner do not value Physical Touch there may be other ways to find intimacy in your relationship. In any case, it's imperative to talk about lovemaking and intimacy with your partner from time to time - and heck, that may lead to some very exciting and great sex.

How healthy is your sex life? How do you find intimacy out of the bedroom?