How to Officiate a Friend’s Wedding
photo by Betsi Ewing
“We connected Hope with our wedding officiant (groom's best friend) to help him put together a vaguely Jewish-yet-pretty-secular ceremony. While we weren't involved with the actual consultation, the result and the notes that our officiant gave us on our vows and ceremony ideas showed that she brought her years of experience to bear while still letting our collective visions shine. If you need help with your wedding ceremony in any capacity, do yourself a favor and reach out to Hope!”
—Alyssa and Ryan
While officiating a friend's ceremony is a special honor, it can also be overwhelming. Before you start losing sleep over ruining their wedding day, take a deep breath. If you need a bit of guidance, I'm happy to help! I regularly offer Ceremony Consultation for “friend or family officiants”. So, I can offer assistance whenever you may need it.
Here are some tips to get you started:
1. Do Your Research
Begin by meeting with the couple 2-3 months before the wedding. Have them talk about their vision and expectations for the ceremony. You will then need to research what a wedding ceremony entails. Once you share that with the couple, you can create an outline - including what they want, and avoiding what they don’t.
2. Get Personal
You're obviously a person of great significance to the couple, or else they wouldn't have asked you to officiate. You have insight into their special bond, and they trust you will develop a ceremony that focuses on and celebrates them. Although withholding choice words and tidbits from their college days is important, focus on what to include. Maybe it’s a story of how they met, or an anecdote from their courtship.
3. Understand the Legal Elements
a. If you're not already ordained, then you'll need to do so. There are many online programs where you can go through a fairly simple application process. But read the qualifications carefully.
b. If you have to register with the local government before performing a marriage, you’ll need to make sure you have copies of your credentials and fill out any necessary applications to complete the registration process.
c. Research what needs to be included in a legal ceremony in your area. And of course, make sure you’ve added it to the ceremony script.
d. Once you’ve performed the ceremony, in most states, you'll need to sign the marriage license. The couple, along with 1-2 witnesses, may also need to sign the marriage license depending on where you live. The marriage license will then need to be returned to the county clerk, recorder, or registrar within 5 days for processing.
4. Write the Ceremony and Rehearse It
You already have an outline and a list of legal requirements. So, now’s the time to flesh it out. Once you have a strong draft, share it with the couple for feedback. When you have a complete ceremony, it’s important to get comfortable with performing it. The wedding rehearsal is not the time to do the first dry run of the ceremony, especially if this is your first time officiating a wedding.
5. The Wedding Day
When the big day arrives, get to the venue early. Make sure you have your ceremony script on hand, along with a few extra copies just in case. You'll also want to bring along a copy of the couple's vows (if they wrote personal vows), as well as any readings that take place during the ceremony. Check out the ceremony area so you know where to stand. If there’s a microphone, you will want to check the height and make sure you know how it turns on. Stay calm and confident as you guide the ceremony. Just a reminder that this is NOT about you. You are there to support and celebrate the couple!
Again, I regularly consult with friends or family members and help them create memorable ceremonies. This could include talking through parts of a ceremony, and making sure you have all of the legal information you need. And I’m happy to help review the ceremony you’ve written and rehearse it with you, so you can get some feedback and confidence. If I can assist you in any way, don’t hesitate to let me know!