Premarital Counseling: BELIEFS & VALUES
We formulate our values and beliefs as we grow up and experience life. Some beliefs are passed down from our families and some values we pick up along the way. As we meet more people and see the world our beliefs may change. However, in some cases, no amount of discussion and communication may change our minds. Therefore it’s imperative to have an open and honest conversation about your beliefs and values with your partner before marriage.
When counseling pre-marital couples, I guide conversations on beliefs and values throughout our sessions. We touch on them as we discuss religion and spirituality, as well as decision making. They certainly come up when we talk family relationships and raising children. I also encourage my couples to list their values and understand how they practice and satisfy them.
Many of us choose our partners based on religious beliefs or decided not to pursue a relationship because of political beliefs. Challenges can appear on all fronts. We can agree to disagree, but that may not bode well in most marriages - especially when (or if) you have children. So, what can we do to build strong relationships with our values and beliefs?
1. Talk about what matters to you. I cannot stress this enough. You must share your passions with your partner. Or if your spouse or significant other is reticent, ASK THEM. Yes, this is a big discussion and cannot happen in one evening. Therefore, take baby steps and have a series of discussions over a few weeks.
If you need suggestions on what to ask or how to share, start with these questions and see where they take you.
Do you think faith and spirituality are important? Do they manifest themselves in your relationship? How?
Does religion matter to you? Would your partner be okay if you went to a service solo? Would you?
How important are politics to you? How did you come to your current political beliefs? What are you definitions of loyalty, commitment and fidelity? Do they match your fiancee, spouse or partner?
How about generosity, kindness and sacrifice? And lastly, honesty, simplicity and self-control?
2. Read the opinion sections of your favorite newspaper or magazine. Or perhaps a media source that is more liberal or conservative than you are. This is a great way to hear where other’s passions lie. The writer may prove a good argument that sways your belief, teaches you something new about a subject or solidifies your personal values.
3. Travel the World. Yes, this one is fun, and something most of us strive to do. Close-mindedness usually stems from the unknown. We tend to make assumptions about other cultures and other people from what we hear from family and friends or see on TV. There's nothing that teaches us more about the world around us than getting up close and personal. The beliefs and values of those across the world may be completely different from our own. However seeing them first hand will certainly make them less foreign - and perhaps we are all a little more alike than we think.
What are you passionate about? How do beliefs and values impact your relationships? Do you have any experiences, advice or suggestions to share? The comment section below is always open. And if you need help guiding these conversations, click the LET’S TALK button on the top of this page.