Strengthening Relationships: The Power of Curiosity
Occasionally in premarital counseling I get a couple that wants a shortcut. In the first session they ask the open ended question, “What do we need to know?” I usually laugh and call foul. My counseling program is a process, and I am really robbing them of the experience if I give them all the answers. And honestly, the recommendation I have for one couple, may not be applicable to them.
But since the question “What do we need to know?” is genuine, I also want to give a genuine response. I usually keep the answer brief and say that in order to build a strong relationship, you need the 2 C’s - Communication and Connection. However recently, I added a 3rd C - Curiosity.
One of the first tasks I have my couples do, is to create a list of VALUES for the relationship or the marriage. In a recent, premarital counseling session, J & A shared their first value:
1. OPENNESS - maintaining capacity for us to change. Listening to each other. Always be curious about each other.
We can cultivate openness by setting aside time for one another and maximizing that time. We can promise to be present with one another.
I like to mirror thoughts and questions back to my couples, therefore, I found myself using the word CURIOUS a lot in our discussion. Once we got through the rest of their values, J asked about my thoughts on curiosity in general.
Curiosity is a juicy thing. I know there’s the common phrase about curiosity killing the cat. However, I find it’s important to have in a relationship. Rather than getting you in trouble, I really think that being curious about your partner, strengthens the relationship.
cu·ri·ous | \ ˈkyu̇r-ē-əs , ˈkyər- \
1a: marked by desire to investigate and learn : They were curious as to who won the game. The cat was curious about its new environment.
b: marked by inquisitive interest in others' concerns : NOSY curious about the neighbors' doings
2: exciting attention as strange, novel, or unexpected : ODD a curious coincidence We were concerned about his curious behavior.
Of the 3 definitions, the second two are on the negative side. So, I can see the dangers of being nosy or strange when considering curiosity. However, I love the activeness of the first definition. As we grow as individuals and as a couple, how exciting is to investigate and learn about each other? It’s so easy to have the generic “How was your day?” conversations with quick questions and simple responses. You can easily strengthen your relationship, just by digging a little deeper.
In an effort to be respectful, many of us sit back. We’re afraid to be nosy or strange. We certainly want to be there for our loved ones, and hopefully we make that known. But many of us leave it up to our partners to take the initiative of either asking or sharing what they need. Sure, we’re not mind readers and it’s not fair to think we are. However in premarital counseling sessions lately, I am hearing over and over that they really want their partner to gently poke. If something seems wrong, they want their partner to ask what the matter is. Or if one is sad or hurting, they want the other to inquire what’s going on or how they can help.
They want their partner to be CURIOUS!
How to be Curious?
— Ask Open-ended questions
If you’re genuinely interested in something your significant other says or does, can you ask in a non-leading way? So NO “Well, you don’t really believe that do you?” Try “Tell me more about that” or “What do you mean by that?” are great ways to be inquisitive. Bonus points for “I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on that!”
— Don’t Assume
It’s very easy to assume that your partner shared early in the relationship is still their current belief. Since we grow and change over time, so may our needs and beliefs. Therefore we need to be open to those changes.
— Dig Deeper
If you’re truly listening to your partner, you will be able to hear some new things. If you are interested, ask specifically about something shared. This is the ‘desire to investigate’ part of the conversation that can also build connection.
Why is it Important?
There are tons of benefits to being curious. First and foremost, the act of asking your partner questions makes them feel important. It shows that you have a general interest in what they think and what they need.
Secondly, curious people tend to be open-minded. Therefore, they have the ability to be aware of growth and change. In fact, many scientists believe having an open mind is a prerequisite or necessary condition for humans to reach their full potential. Research done by Carol Dweck in the world of fixed mindset and growth mindset shows just how important curiosity is.
What are your thoughts around CURIOSITY? Have you noticed yourself asking questions? Or relying on your partner to share? The comment section below is always open if you want to share or question. And if you need assistance guiding more open conversation, please reach out and let me know.