Zen Weddings: CREATE BOUNDARIES
Wedding planning is a period of heightened stress and potential overwhelm. You are planning one super important day, so the expectations are HIGH. I have met with couples who questioned their very relationship compatibility, since their prioritizes and decision making capability were not the same. And then you bring in desires, opinions and decision maker friends and family members and the stress level goes up. You want to have a Zen wedding? It actually all comes down to one single word: BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are the invisible fence wrapped around you and also around you and your partner as a couple. This fence teaches people how to treat you. Once you became engaged, you committed to a life with each other. The planning of your wedding is one of your first big opportunities to exercise boundaries. While the two of you attempt to plan your big day together, you’re going to get a lot of noise coming in from the outside. Boundaries can help you filter that noise.
If you don’t have boundaries yet, you need to have a discussion with your fiance about what those boundaries need to entail. The wedding planning season isn’t the easiest time to enact boundaries, but if you don’t already have them as a couple, it’s a good time to establish them. NOW is the time to begin talking about, and implementing, boundaries with the world around you, especially those closest to you.
The message in boundaries is: This is okay for me/us, or this is not okay for me/us.
Read that again. No, really, do it. It’s important.
Here are 5 thoughts around creating boundaries as you embark on wedding planning:
1. Share your personal boundaries with your partner.
It’s not fair to assume that your partner knows the boundaries you may have. For example, your partner may know that you don’t drink, but not that you expect or want a no-alcohol reception. If there are certain expectations you have for the wedding ceremony, reception, or any event in between, you need to share it. Open communication is key.
There may be difficult subjects involved in this process. So if you need assistance, I strongly recommend premarital counseling. I can help you open your communication and be able to encourage clarity in sharing, and engagement in listening.
2. Decide Who Will Be Involved in Planning AND in What Way
Make a list of all of the events and pieces of the wedding and determine who will be involved in some way. You may want to look at your wedding budget to make sure you have a complete list. Wait, you haven’t done that yet? Check out this Zen weddings post.
Once you see what has to get done, and who is helping, it’s easier to make decisions about how involved you want friends or family members to be.
3. Anticipate Pressure and Plan Your Response
It’s wise to anticipate at least some level of pressure from family or future in-laws. If you realize early on that this could happen, take the time now to plan how you’ll respond. You can:
Defer to one another regarding wedding-related decisions (i.e., “Let me ask him/her”)
Diplomatically delay providing answers to demands (“Thanks for the suggestion; let us give that some thought”)
Kindly refuse to have certain conversations regarding plans or decisions you’ve already made
While enforcing your boundaries isn’t always pleasant–particularly when they apply to family–they’re essential to protecting your relationship.
4. Determine Who Gets the Final Say
This may seem like a no-brainer here, but in many cultures and religious practices, the wedding couples actually doesn’t get the last say on things. If a set (or both sets) of parents are paying for the wedding reception and/or ceremony, they may feel more invested certain decisions.
Talk to your partner and have a clear understanding of your preferences. Assumptions and expectations have little benefit for you when it comes to gaining clarity and open communication about the wedding planning roles. Then, it’s wise to have a conversation with those major players so everyone is on the same page and stays respectful.
5. When To Delegate
We all have relatives who are very enthusiastic about being involved in our big plans. Maybe you want them to feel included without giving up the most important decisions.
If that’s the case, are there portions of the festivities that you can hand off? Does your enthusiastic family member have a particular talent or interest they can lend to planning, decor, or entertainment? And then of course, make sure it’s clear how autonomous they are. Are there deadlines or deliverables? How do check-in and how often?
Boundaries are critically important in marriage. It’s important to create them as you plan your wedding so you can stay Zen. They protect you as a couple from negative outside influences, helping you to strengthen and maintain a healthy relationship from within. The comment section is always open. So, let me know if any of these resonate with you, have already worked for you or if you have any questions.