Building Strong Relationships: CHILDREN & PARENTING
I was dreading this pre-marital topic because it's one that I have the least amount of experience. I work mostly with couples who have yet to have children, and I don't have any kids myself, so I have limited knowledge of how the issues around parenting affect a marriage or a relationship. However, after meeting with a good friend on Friday who shared the experience around her parents' divorce when she was a small child, I realized I had the same...an experience of my own childhood. Being raised by strong parents who have been married for 46 years and counting. I am not sure why I didn't think to use them more this week. But alas, I will use them now.
My father likes to joke that he has been married for 46 years with never a fight. My parents have a great relationship, but there has certainly been a fair share of disagreement. That being said there is a huge amount of love and respect across the board.
So yesterday I decided to interview my parents about the intersection between parenting and marriage. The first thing my mother said was that usually each parent looks at a situation differently. I was surprised to find out that my mother took a parenting course when my brother was 5 and I was 3. All of her peers were doing it and it seemed like a smart thing to do. The culture in the early 70s was definitely shifting away from physical discipline and towards using words to share feelings and admonishment. Just like money and sex, we do not learn how to be parents. We pick up what we can and learn from those around us.
My mother was raised in a very cut and dry world. Her parents were very narrow minded and she was never able to ask why things had to be done a certain way or share her opinions. She knew she wanted to raise her kids...well, us, differently. I remember her telling me years ago that when faced with a problem she thought about what her parents would do in a situation, and she would then decide to do exactly the opposite. While that may not have been entirely accurate, she was open to differences of opinion and allowing my brother and me to find our own way to get where she wanted us to go.
My father was raised in a similar environment. However his immigrant father worked a lot and passed away when my Dad was 16. My father was more open with his mother, but discussion about the day to day or how anyone felt certainly was not encouraged. Without any forethought into how he wanted to raise his children, he took what he knew and went from there. He definitely wanted a more open relationship with us, but for the most part, he wanted things done his way.
Did my mother's more patient and understanding approach butt heads with my Dad's iron fist? Absolutely. However, did it put pressure on their marriage? My Dad said no without hesitation, but my mom said that it was difficult when they did not agree. And it certainly put a strain on their relationship. Interesting, huh?
Times have certainly changed. While I was lucky to have a mother who didn't work until I was 15, today most households have parents who both work. The family dynamic is very different in every household, but from my experience (and the experience of my parents) here are some tips to keep the marriage strong WITH your kids.
1. Spend time as a family. My father felt that this not only brought us all together, but it allowed him to appreciate his wife as a mother. Growing up I do remember taking day trips, eating dinner together, playing board games or just watching TV as a family. This was harder to do as my brother and I entered our teen years and my mother went back to work, but it was certainly valued.
2. Take regular dates as a couple. EVERY Saturday, my parents would call a babysitter for my brother and me and they went out for the evening. Mostly with other couples, but sometimes just on their own. They also went on vacation by themselves at least once every other year. This dedication to their marriage truly helped them avoid empty nest syndrome when my brother and I moved out of the house.
3. Talk about your parenting philosophy - and CONTINUE to talk about it as your children grow. While this was not really done with my parents, I truly think it's best for parents to be a united front. Which behaviors are not permitted in your house and are there any rules that must be followed? Keeping in mind that your children's friends have different curfews and allowance amounts, your children may try and push back and divide and conquer. Therefore it's always good to have answers and a game plan before the questions come.
How has your upbringing affected how you raise your children? Any tips you want to share?