Building Strong Relationships: ROLES and DECISION-MAKING
During our lives we take on many roles. Child, friend, sibling, student and as we mature employee, spouse, parent and leader, among others. As we know, our actions and demeanor shift depending on which role we're playing. In our friendships and romantic relationships we all tend to take on certain roles, as well. Sometimes they're based on things we do well and other times they may be things others assume about who we are. There are plenty of stories of people who date the same destructive personality over and over. And while we may not necessarily be looking for someone who takes on those characteristics, one may feel comfortable with the role of savior. We do what we know. As a Taurean, I am not a fan of change. I get it. But in general, I do believe that people like habit and familiarity. What does that mean in terms of the role you play in your relationship with your boyfriend, girlfriend of spouse? It's not a surprise that issues around roles are one of the big issues leading to divorce in this country. And then there's decision-making. Do the roles we take on affect HOW decisions are made? If a certain topic or chore does not fall under our domain, do we have a right to make a decision about it?
While ROLES in the relationship and making DECISIONS as a couple could easily be their own discussion, these two topics tend to overlap and influence the other. During pre-marital counseling, I tend to talk generally with the couple about how they each complement the other and especially during wedding planning, how decisions get made. However, roles and decisions often come up in other weeks as well. Money and intimacy largely, but also day to day living with things like cooking and cleaning.
During this past week, I asked a number of questions on social media. If you have yet to discuss roles and decision-making with your partner (or you could both use a little refresher) take an evening and share your responses to the questions below. Make sure there is equal space to both SPEAK and LISTEN!
One HUGE thought before you begin: Just because you took on a certain role most of your adult life or with all of your past partners, that doesn't mean you have to continue. If you want to shift or change, please make that clear.
THE QUESTIONS:
-Do you feel you have roles in your relationship? If so, what are they? Are the duties split on gender lines?
-Did the roles in your relationship just split naturally? Any task you have that you detest?
-Look at all of the chores that need to get done. Examine each one and ask: Who is better suited to not only do each one, but do it well?
-Who is responsible for keeping the house cared for? Are you & your partner different in your needs for cleanliness and organization?
-How do you make decisions in your relationship? Do you steam roller? Or do you expect your partner to make them all?
And a few good pieces of advice:
-If you are truly asking your spouse for her/his opinion, really LISTEN for a response and give it equal weight as you make a decision
-If you want input in decision-making from your partner, let him or her know. If they truly are indifferent, make a choice and move on!
-If you tend to be reticent making decisions in your marriage or relationship, it's time to STEP UP. Have an opinion and then make a case or a plan!
-If you tend to steam roll decisions in your relationship, make an effort to ASK & LISTEN. It's time to empower your partner!
How do roles affect your relationship? Have they changed over time? How are decisions made? Does that plan work for both of you? Anything else you want to share? If so, please do so below!