Premarital Counseling: COMMUNICATION
Communication is the first thing we cover in premarital counseling. Why? Because if you cannot openly talk with your partner, it will be challenging to discuss any issues and concerns or share any care and compliments. You may have discovered that you each have differing communication styles. You may also find that some topics are easier to discuss. It’s important to determine your current behaviors so you know where you can strengthen habits that work, and shift or remove those that do not.
So what does open communication look like?
Being able to clearly SHARE your needs & desires
LISTENING to your partner without judgement
Sounds easy, right?
But it may be more challenging than you think. So let’s break it down.
Sharing
In order to share your needs and desires, you have to know what they are. So, if you’re not sure, you may need to take some time to reflect and consider what it is you want. And I’m talking personal here. What you need FOR YOU, not what you need from your partner. This is something you may be able to ponder and keep in your thoughts. Or if that’s challenging for you, you may want to take time to jot some notes. Once you have clarity here, then you can then share them with your significant other. I encourage you to express your needs from a place of compassion, and not of expectation.
It may also be helpful to share your ‘why' here. Once you share you desires, you partner may need a little context. Especially if the two of you are trying to make some decisions. You may need to follow up with why you feel the way you do, especially if it’s not immediately apparent to your partner. Or if it’s new information for them.
Listening
While your partner is sharing, I encourage you to actively listen. That means you are present with them, and not on a device or thinking about your day. That also means you are there to receive information or clarity, not to find the first chance to share your side or your experience. Sometimes as we listen, we are already making assumptions. Therefore, I encourage you to listen from an open place without judgement. If you’re someone who tends to jump in with opinions or advice, make sure that’s what your partner wants. If you’re not sure, ASK - and honor their response, if it’s not.
Some questions I ask my couples:
Are you aware of how you engage with your partner?
When you engage, what responses do you hope to receive from them?
What do you actually receive?
When does communication work best in the relationship?
Are there any topics that you’re anxious or fearful to discuss?
Why are these important?
It’s always good to start from a place of awareness. Be mindful of how you engage with each other and compassionately share your expectations. There may be a disconnect, and you didn’t even know. You may unintentionally fail to respond to you partner, but they assume that something’s wrong. Once you’ve observed your behaviors, you can hopefully talk through how you each share and respond.
If you consider when communication work best, you may be able to figure out why it may not. Perhaps communication is most open after you’ve eaten or gotten plenty of sleep. Or maybe you connect best once you’ve done an activity to clear your mind after work. This way you can create an environment where it’s more conducive to share and actively listen. And that environment may prove useful for tackling some harder topics that you may be apprehensive to discuss with your partner.
The comment section below is always open if you have questions or want to share. If you need assistance talking with your partner as you plan your wedding & prepare for marriage, please let me know!