Premarital Counseling: Roles in the Relationship
There are lots of reasons why marriages can fail today, and one has to do with how roles in the relationship have changed. It’s easy to look at this along gender lines. Historically, men typically "wore the pants" in the marriage, although no one should believe that many women were happy about it. But there were social norms, and everyone knew their place.
Thankfully, the world is different now. Although we’re far from done, social movements have allowed women to achieve a greater level of equality. Gender roles can also apply to same-sex couples. However, whether we talking about heterosexual or same-sex couples, I prefer to look at it in terms of shared responsibilities.
With equality, there are more opportunities for conflict. Couples may need to do more negotiating and compromising as they find balance. And that increases the chances of disagreement. Furthermore, as each partner works hard to safeguard equality, any social exchange imbalances become a potential issue. If one of the pair thinks they’re working harder or is taking on more responsibility than their mate, they are more likely to confront their partner about these issues. This doesn’t necessarily mean couples are less happy today, but anything that increases the chances of conflict puts a marriage at risk.
So what can you do?
As you prepare for marriage, you need to talk about your roles in the relationship.
Here are some questions I ask my couples:
What are three strengths or gifts or skills that you think you bring to our relationship?
What are you roles in the relationship? Are they balanced and fair?
Do you foresee any future struggles over your roles?
What chores do you handle routinely?
Are you satisfied how you each decide how the chores are split?
Why are they important?
First off, you should figure out what you’re good at and what you like doing. These are the things you authentically bring to the marriage. There may be overlaps between you and your partner or there some things you both do well. Either way, these are tasks you are more inclined to do. Once you review your strengths, you can see how they translate into possible roles in the relationship. However, you may not want to do them. Say for example, you are great with numbers so it may make sense for you to manage (or spearhead) tasks around money. If that makes sense for you, great! However, your job may be in finance, so the last thing you want to do when you leave work is deal with the money issues at home. Discuss with your mate what’s best.
Handling household chores may be a sticking point in the relationship. Does it matter to you that the task list is balanced and fair? If so, you may want to make a list and assign who does what. Or if time is limited, and there’s money in the budget, you may want to outsource things you don’t like to do.
Don’t forget that over time things may shift. If you add children to the equation, there’s more responsibility and less time. So while roles in the relationship may be easy to tackle now, it may get more complicated later. Therefore, it’s important to look at the day-to-day responsibilities before marriage and make decisions that will come into play in the future.
Have you had any of these conversations with your partner already? Where did you find it easy to discuss, and where was it more challenging? Are there any areas that you are anxious to talk about? Feel free to share your thoughts and ask some questions in the comment section below.