Premarital Counseling: TIME SPENT TOGETHER & SOCIAL ACTIVITIES

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Time Spent Together and Social Activities is one of the Big Issue topics I cover in premarital counseling. Sometimes it comes up as we discuss Parenting and Child raising. I’ve also added it to the conversation on Intimacy and Sex. In 2 recent sessions, it was important enough to to talk about on its own.

Feeling close to your spouse or partner is often the result of spending time together, doing things you both enjoy. Partners who make it a point to reserve time for each other find that their shared experiences give them a common frame of reference and build connectivity. So how much time exactly should you spend with your partner? Well, that depends both on your relationship and how you're spending your time. Just sharing the same space often isn’t enough. It’s important to look at the QUALITY of time you have together. Yes, that is a nod to the 5 Love Languages, if you must know!

Spending quality time together, has an obvious positive impact on the relationship. After all, a study from National Bureau of Economic Research finds that people who consider their spouse to be their best friend are almost twice as satisfied in their marriages as those who don't. Beyond prioritizing physical intimacy, these happy couples share a lot of their time celebrating each other's achievements, spending time with friends or family and trying new things together.

As you prepare for marriage, you need to talk about time spent together and social activities in the relationship.

Some questions I ask my couples:

Do you and your partner have different expectations for how much time you spend together?

Are you satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends you currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

What are your needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside the relationship? Is it easy for your partner to support those needs?

Are you happy with the amount of time you have together? Do you feel you need to discuss HOW you spend your time?

Do you need additional time for yourself?

Why are these important?

When spending time together, it’s important to find an agreeable time balance that is going to benefit your relationship. When we start dating, many couples want to spend every waking hour together. During this time, we build connection and in turn attachment. But, of course, relationships still need boundaries. These are important so that you don't end up losing friendships or disconnecting with family members.

It’s important to also remember your relationship with YOURSELF. "Time spent alone can also be important for individuals in new relationships...and this alone time is just as valid as other needs," writes Theresa E DiDonato Ph.D. for Psychology Today. "People benefit from time to reflect on their new relationship and time engaged in activities they love to do by themselves. In walking the tight rope between the demands of one’s work, family and friends, and what the new relationship needs, engaging in self-care is equally important."

Whether you spend two hours a day doing something active together with your partner or going on a proper date just once a week is up to you. But as you discuss the desire for quality time within the relationship, you must also recognize your individual needs. That way you can both respect your differences, create a balance with which both of you not only enjoy your time together, but look forward to it.

Do any of these ideas resonate with you? Have you found something else to consider in your relationship? The comment section is always open. And if I can be of assistance to you in the discussion, please let me know.

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