Zen Weddings: Limiting Opinions

Planning a wedding can be both exciting and overwhelming. It will also teach you many important lessons - how to host a major event, who in your life has your back, and the need to limit opinions. The second you share that you’re engaged, there’s a good chance friends and family will offer their thoughts, feelings, and advice about your wedding - whether you want to hear it or not.

Time and time again I see brides and grooms spiral into decision fatigue. Even if you’re doing a micro wedding, there are tons of decisions to make. I get it, you’ve never done this before, so it’s smart to ask those who have. In general, it's helpful to get advice, however if family members are helping pay for the wedding, you may be required to hear thoughts & feedback.

I'm sure you appreciate the guidance of some friends and family, but too many opinions will definitely cause you to lose your Zen. I hate to say it, but if you don’t address this now, you may also get unwanted advice about how to raise your children, buy your first home or a myriad of big life decisions.

Here are some tips to help you along. Talk with your partner, and choose wisely. If you need more guidance here, feel free to let me know.

Set Clear Boundaries.

Most unsolicited advice is fairly painless and easy to brush off. However, there’s often a parent or a friend who thinks they can always offer their strong opinions. Creating boundaries in advance and knowing how you’re going to respond can help and make it easier to handle at the moment.

Be Proactive in Sharing your Vision and HOW you want Feedback.

Don’t wait until the barrage of unwanted advice comes your way. Sit down with the major decision makers early on in the planning process, and share what is truly important to you and your partner. Communicate your wedding day vision and which aspects are most critical to you and why. Some family members may think you aren’t “doing it right,” and will feel more comfortable if they understand WHY you’re doing something a certain way.

However, there may be some confusion or push back about some of your decisions. So it may be helpful to share the way you want to hear feedback or opinions. I am a big fan of questions. Perhaps you can suggest your family member ask if you thought of a certain solution. Or you may want to go so far to suggest that a friend ask if you even want to hear their thoughts about a particular topic. In that case, it’s important for them to be okay with hearing “no,” and for you to be comfortable saying it.

Limit Financial Contributions

If parents or family members help pay for the wedding, there is usually a feeling of entitlement in the decision making process. So if you anticipate some family members overstepping, you may want to limit how much they contribute. Or if they feel compelled to invite more of their friends or distant family - or offer unwanted advice because they can - perhaps you should decline their assistance altogether and pay for the wedding yourselves.

Pick Your Battles and Offer a Project.

When your future mother-in-law or close friend stresses you out with their opinions, it’s important to take a moment to reflect. Can you determine whether it's worthwhile to let them have their way or give them a project to spearhead?

Can You Find a Compromise?

If some opinions stress you out, is it because you are overwhelmed or because they are going against your vision? Is there a way you can work together and find a good compromise? Or perhaps if it’s an aspect of the bachelor party or rehearsal dinner that isn’t as important to you, you can let them have the “win.” Pick your battles. You may want to hold firm on an aspect that is more important to you, and release things that are lower on the priority list.

Is There a Project You Can Pass Off? 

Some friends or family members just want to be involved in some way. Is there something on the to-do list you can delegate? Can you trust others to complete a task? However, sometimes it’s smart to pass a larger project off completely to a friend or family member with strong opinions. It will not only help you out, but potentially keep them focused on one task. Sometimes fully organizing the rehearsal dinner or the welcome bags will be enough to curb their opinions on everything else.

Let it Go and Celebrate Your Union.

Just Say Thank You

Please remember that for the most part, advice around your wedding day is coming from a good place. If you know your loved ones have the best intentions at heart, you might want to simply listen to their opinions and say “thank you.” Even if you are not going to follow it, acknowledge their advice and keep things positive. Of course, you can still make your original decision, and let them know later rather than immediately dismissing their feedback.

Focus on Your Relationship.

As you filter all the comments and information, it’s crucial to take time for yourselves to focus on the relationship. Wedding planning can often be long and it’s easy to feel detached. Therefore, remind yourselves why you’re getting married in the first place. You can do this by sharing things you love about each other (um, vow precursor!) or going on a date. In the end, the day is about you two and no one else. The stress of planning and all of the well-meaning advice shouldn't get in the way.

Though usually harmless, unsolicited wedding advice is an inevitable part of getting married. Whether it be suggesting you elope or offering recommendations on the music, you may need to find way to limit opinions. If you have a wedding planner, they may be a good moderator here. I can do that, too, as well as offer tons of tips of ways to stay Zen. The comment section is always open or feel free to email me and let me know how I can help you.