Building Community
We live in a growing world that’s growing smaller every day due to the ease of communication through social media. But those connections while miraculous and easy, don’t usually result in true friendships. In building community. In my pre-marital counseling program, we discuss topics that tend to trip couples up in their marriage. Talking through social activities and time spent together in and out of the relationship is on that list.
I’ve worked with a number of couples who recently shared their disappointment with their quality and quantity of friends. Most of these couples are in their 20s and early 30s. In my late 20s, I had a strong friend circle. These were people I knew I could count on at a moment’s notice. Since I’ve moved across the country THREE TIMES and starting over in my career each time, my community is now rather small. It's no surprise, but I can tell you from personal experience that it’s hard to make friends the older we get. It’s important to make an effort to build your community AND take the necessary steps on a regular basis to keep it vibrant and active.
This past week I had a session with a couple getting married in September. Let’s call them Nancy and Eric. In session #3, we talked about Child raising and parenting. However, a few weeks later, Nancy went to visit a friend and supported her as she gave birth to her first child. Nancy’s mind was blown. Everything we discussed in hypothetical terms, suddenly became real. During session #4, Nancy spoke about understanding the value of having a good support network - especially when having kids. In fact, it was a wake-up call for Eric, as well. He realized that he’s fallen out of touch with many of his classmates from school and that he can be more proactive about cultivating those friendships.
A few weeks ago, I had a session with a recently married couple. I asked Michael and Mark how they see their lives in 30 years. Once they were able to ground the nebulous and find the reality in their future, Mark spoke about an afternoon he spent with Michael’s family. Michael’s parents sat at a long table in an ornate garden surrounded by friends and family. Mark would like a future like that. Maybe not the garden, but being surrounded by community.
Building community takes time and effort. As I encouraged both couples, if you want to have a strong circle of friends and family in the future, there’s no time like the present to start building your community.
Here are some tips to get started:
1. Look at your current set of friends, family members and people in your life. Perhaps you want to make a list. Who from this list have you lost contact or with whom do you want to build connection? Is there anyone from work or your business circle that would be a fun friend?
2. Schedule time with those you love - or would like to get to know better. Perhaps you want to choose one person each week and grab coffee? Or for out of town folks, put a phone date or a video chat on the calendar? Maybe you want to plan a weekend getaway with a group of friends or a potluck dinner at home. Decide what’s best for you and what excites you - and then schedule it.
3. If you need to grow your circle of friends, I encourage you to take some time to brainstorm possible communities. Do you belong to a church, synagogue or temple? Any relationships you can cultivate there? Maybe you have a hobby and can make friends on a sports team or in an art class. There are alumni groups, and networking opportunities. All of these organizations have events. There are even apps or online meeting groups for making friends. Make a list of all the possibilities! Some of the options will scare you and some will be less frightening.
4. While many of us put up a good front, we’re all still kids in the sandbox looking for someone to play with. From your list of possibilities, check out events offered over the next month. See what works with your schedule and what seems fun. Take a breath, be brave and go!
How have you had success in making friends? What's your greatest block? What’s one thing you can do to build or strengthen your community?