Premarital Counseling: DECISION MAKING

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Decision making builds strong relationships - which in turn builds strong marriages. How decisions are made in a relationship tells a lot about the openness of communication and partnership. That’s why it’s imperative to discuss in premarital counseling.

There are large decisions you make about how money and time are spent. There are smaller decisions about about social activities, and about what to have for dinner. Sure, it would be time consuming and at times unnecessary to consult with your partner every time a decision is re­quired. Therefore, we informally delegate decision making with regard to certain things. So it comes down to 2 things. What’s important to you in your relationship? How can you compromise or negotiate with your partner?

In adult relationships, we may hear, “My partner would never go for that!” In this case it would seem that over the years one has given the other veto power over what one can and cannot do.

Sometimes one person in the partnership has the final say on how money should be spent. It’s usually based on the one who brings in the most income. But this puts the other person in a position of having to ask “permission” to get something that they really want. This is another example of a partnership turned into a a parent-child re­lationship, and either resentment builds or self-es­teem suffers.

Each of us has the right to have input in decisions that affect us, so it’s important to begin by looking at how decisions are currently being made. The decision making process is often taken for granted, however, it can be a very powerful factor in how we feel about ourselves, and how happy we are in our relationships.

As you prepare for marriage, you need to talk about decision making in the relationship.

Some questions I ask my couples:

  1. How are decisions made in the relationship?

  2. Does one of you tend to lead? 

  3. Do either of you have trouble making a decision? 

  4. Are minor decisions easier or harder to make than major ones? 

  5. How much of your decision making is personal? And what do you discuss together?

Create 3 Options

In my practice, I find that one of the pair tends to guide decision making. It may be due to wanting to have control or just having an easier time making decision. While the other may be happy to go along with their partner’s choices, there may be undue pressure on the one making the decisions. So here’s a tip - especially around smaller decisions. If you are the one who tends to research and plan, offer THREE options to your partner that you find satisfactory. And then have your partner make the final selection. Your partner will feel included, and you will happy with any of the options.

Setting Deadlines

If you or your partner fails to get things done in a timely manner, set deadlines. For larger decisions, you may need a week to do the research and/or have some time to weigh your options. So put it on your calendar to come back at a set time to share your findings, discuss and decide together. With the small decisions - like what to have for dinner - I suggest you set a timer for 5-10 minutes which may give you enough time research recipes or restaurants and come to a consensus.

How do you make decisions in your relationship? Ready to try one of these tips? The comment section is open to share below. Of course, if you need more assistance, I am happy to guide you through.

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