Premarital Counseling: Family Relationships

Like it or not, when you commit to each other or get married, you are bound with your partner's family, as well. At the beginning of any relationship, there’s a good chance you’re in your own little bubble of bliss. However, as the partnership deepens, your circle grows as you gradually join each other’s family. Navigating difficult personalities and past behavior can be challenging. Just think about all of the in-law jokes!

It should come as no surprise that, family relationships are one of the main causes of divorce. Therefore, it’s important to talk about them before the wedding. How do you discuss family relationships in the marriage-to-be? You bring beliefs and values from your own family into the one you’re creating with your mate. Are you able to strengthen the simiarlities? But more importantly, are you able to negotiate the differences?

There are 2 parts to this discussion - digging into your upbringing and deciding how your individual families interact with the one you create. The first will help you uncover in-grained beliefs and may explain current behavior. The second looks more closely on family dynamic. Relationships you want to foster and emulate - and things you may want to avoid. Either way, discussing your childhood and family engagement will certainly build connection and bring the two of you closer.

I suggest you both schedule time, put away all devices and have an open conversation without any distractions. It will allow you to tap into your vulnerability, and that may be scary. This conversation is certainly something you can do on your own. However, I am happy to guide you through if you need assistance. Here are some questions to get you started.

Childhood

• What three adjectives would you use to describe your childhood?

• Do you have any childhood wounds?

• Was your family an affectionate one?

• What childhood/family traditions do you want to to incorporate into your own?

• What new traditions or rituals do you want to add?

Family Engagement & Boundaries

• What do you like and dislike about your family?

• What do you like and dislike about your partner’s family?

• How involved do you want your immediate family to be in your lives? Do you need to create any boundaries now?

• Do you have any concerns about spending time with family during the holidays?

• As your elders age, will they need care or financial support? What can you give or do you need to prepare now?