Premarital Counseling: PARENTING and CHILD RAISING
I know that some of you may be thinking why talk about child raising before we get married? I haven’t stepped into my role as a husband or a wife, how do you expect me to envision parenthood?
Parenting will most certainly change your marriage, for better or for worse.
Amazingly some couples never discuss whether they are on the same page about having kids at all. If you want kids, but your partner does not, is that a deal breaker in the relationship? Since this is not an area one can compromise, that needs to be the first discussion. Beyond the having of children and how many, future conflict can be prevented if the partners dig into expectations and roles in the whole parenting process. We can certainly do that in premarital counseling!
It's important to discuss child raising and parenting with your future spouse in advance - before you're pregnant and the hormones take over! Even if you already have children (as a couple or separately), you need to decide if you want to have more kids in the future, and negotiate the responsibilities of parenting. Or if you want to wait, are there milestones you want to achieve before you start trying to conceive?
As you prepare for marriage, you need to talk about parenting & child raising in the relationship.
Some questions I ask my couples:
Do you have children already?
Do you want to have children together?
If so, how many children do you want to have?
How long should do you want to wait before trying to conceive?
What kind of parent do you think you will be?
Do you plan to take maternity or paternity-leave after the baby is born?
Is your birth control method satisfactory, if you don’t want a child right away?
How do you feel about adoption if you cannot have children naturally?
The Case for Waiting
Some couples express they they are just not ready for kids. Here are some of the reasons couples give me for wanting to wait:
“I want to establish my career first.” Exactly how far do you need to get in your career before you’ll feel ready to have a child? What will you do if you don’t reach your goal?
“I need to finish my education/get my degree before I can think about having a child.” Yes, working toward a degree while caring for a child can have its challenges, however there are a lot of people out there who have completed schooling with children at home.
“I need to achieve financial security first.” Financial stability is important, but what does that really mean in terms of having a child? Is there a dollar amount for saving, or a reduction in debt?
“I need to be more mature before I can think about bringing a child into the world.” Sure, you may like having few responsibilities and prospective parents should take steps to deal with any personal issues that might impair their ability to create a safe and loving home. Just remember that you’ll never have kids if you wait to become the perfect person first!
Before you make up your minds to delay having kids, I recommend that you take an honest look at your underlying values and motives. Then of course, analyze and discuss your priorities together!
The best gift you can give your kids is to have a healthy marriage.
The Oxygen Mask Analogy
When you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs you to “put your oxygen mask on first,” before helping others.
Why is this an important rule for ensuring survival? Because if you run out of oxygen yourself, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask. Don’t forget that you are an individual with your own needs and desires. You need to be satisfied as your own person, to be the best partner for your spouse. If you don’t take of yourselves as individuals or as partners, you will have nothing left to give.
Since kids learn by example, it’s powerful for them to see adults in strong and loving relationships. It’s important to be fulfilled in your marriage, so you have energy to give as parents.
Do you think you can have the parenting conversation with your partner? Are there any questions you’re afraid to ask? Do any of the reasons to wait to have kids resonate with you? If you need more guidance here, don’t hesitate to click the LET’S TALK button above, and let me know.